So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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