I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize