Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize