Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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