My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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