WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
