There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
