So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
