ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
