Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize