"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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