rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize