you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
