I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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