seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
