I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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