You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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