I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
