dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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