i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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