How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
