My underwear smells like fireworks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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