he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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