Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
