Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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