I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
