If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
