I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
