im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
