i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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