she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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