he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
