Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
