No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
