I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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