dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
