I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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