Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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