im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
