he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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