yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
