I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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