I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
