seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
