Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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