Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just puked most of my soul out..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
