I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
