The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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