either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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