Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
