am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
sarcasm needs its own font
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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