Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
