I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize