: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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