Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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