so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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