We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
it's not cheating when I paid for it
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
