I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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