Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
