he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
