either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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