i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
