i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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