I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
