Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
