our cab driver is having phone sex.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
